You Are Enough.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. As a woman and as someone who has experienced disordered eating, I wanted to write a post on this topic.

Yesterday’s situation:

I woke up and ate overnight oats for breakfast at 7:30am.

I sat in class for 75 minutes.

I came back home and contemplated going on a run or doing yoga, but I instead took a 45-minute nap instead.

I ate a super early lunch at 10:30am of avocado toast with two extra large eggs + veggies with hummus + a clementine.

I sat in class for another 75 minutes.

I ate another clementine before gross anatomy lab, which involved sitting and some standing.

I ate a granola bar + three cheese sandwich crackers after lab because I was hungry (apparently formaldehyde makes people hungry? weird).

I studied, went to a meeting, and went to Mass, all of which involved sitting.

I ate [white] pasta with meatballs, lots of parmesan cheese + salad for dinner at the Catholic Center. I also went back for a piece of garlic bread and another meatball.

I studied some more and sat some more for retreat reunion.

I came home and finished the last of the PB&J ice cream I bought for Rachel’s birthday. And for one last hurrah before Lent, I ate some yogurt with pb and banana.

I sat some more to write this blog post.


Yesterday involved lots of sitting, little movement, and lots of food (much of which was processed and not “real”). But yesterday involved so much joy as well. First of all, that nap was much needed. Additionally, I had wonderful conversations with people I love. God made Himself present to us in the Mass. I had energy to focus and learn in class. I was satisfied.

Five years ago, or maybe even four, I would have been on the verge of tears if this day happened as it did. Actually, I would not have let it happen. No way in hell would I have eaten before a specific time, eaten white carbs, or eaten ice cream AND yogurt before going to sleep, especially if I didn’t work out to the point of exhaustion that day.

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2013, the year I started this blog

No amount of exercise was enough.

No amount of calorie cutting was enough.

No number on the scale was enough.

No space between my thighs was enough.

No reassurance from a friend or family member was enough.

No truth about God’s Love for me was enough.

Nothing about me or the world around me was enough.

When food, exercise, and exterior features became the center of my life, every concept of my self-worth crumbled. The things we eat, the ways we move, and how we look all change every single day. It takes a great deal of energy just to keep those things constant, and even then, constancy is impossible. That is why it was so taxing for me to reach the point of “enough” fitness/thinness/muscularity/strength; once I reached a satisfactory point, I either wanted more, or I declined and became dissatisfied again.

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My worth rested in fleeting and terribly exhausting things of the world. This disordered way of thinking caused me to close myself from the world, to look at what I didn’t have, and to chase endlessly after those things.

The truth that I knew but did not internalize until I started recovery is that there is no measure of our worth except that we are unique human beings who have been loved into creation by God. This makes each of us infinitely valuable and deeply, infinitely loved.

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You are enough.

This a truth, and this is a truth that will set you free. Free to love, to serve, and to thrive.

However, although this is a truth that your loved ones and I can tell you over and over again, you may not believe it, no matter how much you want to believe it. An eating disorder attacks a person’s physiology and soul relentlessly, and it is not an issue that can be solved after reading one blog post. Eating disorders are a serious health issue that are prevalent in our society, and the healing process is a long and treacherous battle. But recovery is possible and it is worth it.

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I Thirst for You. Yes, that is the only way to even begin to describe My love for you. I THIRST FOR YOU. I thirst to love you and to be loved by you – that is how precious you are to Me. I THIRST FOR YOU. Come to Me, and I will fill your heart and heal your wounds. I will make you a new creation, and give you peace, even in all your trials I THIRST FOR YOU. You must never doubt My mercy, My acceptance of you, My desire to forgive, My longing to bless you and live My life in you. I THIRST FOR YOU. If you feel unimportant in the eyes of the world, that matters not at all. For Me, there is no one any more important in the entire world than you. I THIRST FOR YOU. Open to Me, come to Me, thirst for Me, give me your life – and I will prove to you how important you are to My Heart.

-St. Teresa of Calcutta, I Thirst For You Meditation (written as if God is speaking to you)

If you or a loved one is struggling with an eating disorder, please:

  1. Find professional help. Eating disorders are not to be taken lightly, and proper health care is necessary in order to fully recover.
  2. Find support. Having trustworthy people who you can talk to in person is essential. There is also an incredible community of bloggers who I know are more than willing to lend support and resources.
  3. Keep persevering every day, every hour, every minute. Every decision you make around food/fitness is an opportunity to triumph over that eating disorder. This does not mean that every decision will be a triumph, but just keep adding drops of water into that large bucket, and one day it will overflow.

On that note, today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the start of Lent. As always, if you observe Lent and have an eating disorder, please talk to a priest/religious sister and your doctor about what you can do besides fast from food.

Whereas restriction in eating disorders is often done out of self-loathing, fasting is (or at least should be) done out of love for God and certainty in God’s Love for us.

Never hesitate to contact me with questions, concerns, or prayer requests.

I love you.

 

 

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Someone Just Send Me to My Room For Bedtime, Please

I have never been so grateful for clean drinking water that is so readily available to me.

The weather here in New York has been tropical this summer! Hot (well, duh), raining in random patches, and always pretty humid. Needless to say, it has been a sweat fest here and I’ve been guzzling water all the livelong day.

Walking, running, standing, sitting — always sweating. Especially this weekend! Here’s what went down.

(Oh, and thank you all for your sweet words on the blog anniversary post! ♥︎)

Friday

I had never been so exhausted from work. Friday was only a little bit more physically demanding than any other work day, but MAN. I was honestly a tiny bit afraid of falling asleep on my drive back home (I knew I could make it though, don’t worry Mom and Dad). I think I ate enough. Maybe it was lack of sleep (thanks, Olympics).

I planned on working out after work, but nay to that. I sat on the couch and quasi-napped for three hours when I got home. Then I got a second wind at 10 pm thanks to a snack, watching track and field at the Olympics, and a spontaneous FaceTime with Rachel. Then I went to bed at almost midnight..yet again.

Someone needs to send me to my room to just read and go to sleep. I need disciplining like an 8-year-old, help.

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this almond and peanut butter with dried fruits and seeds (“Mad River Mojo”) from Stowe, VT is magical

Saturday

I did a quick 12 minute workout (12 Minute Athlete style) in the morning before showering and eating breakfast. I had a NYC date with two college friends that day!

3 rounds (30 seconds work, 10 seconds rest):

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banana bread baked oatmeal with peanut butter and Greek yogurt

I got to Grand Central and walked to Penn Station to meet my friend, Dana. It was a brisk 22 minute walk in the city heat, so going from that to standing in the oven subway station, I was soaked.

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So happy to see Dana! Not happy that our subway was delayed for almost half an hour though.

We finally made it to the Governors Island ferry station, where our friend Cassandra was patiently waiting for an hour. So sorry, girlfran. It was also down-pouring when we got there, which shocked Dana and me as we emerged from underground (that makes us sound like Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog).

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But one quick ferry ride over to Governors Island…

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…and we met clear-ish skies once again!

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As soon as we stepped foot onto the island, Dana asked, “Can we get lunch?” Praaaaise.

We walked around to explore our options, and we found a fun food truck hub.

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I chose Yaki Taco for three tacos: curry beef, chicken, and panko fried fish, which were all messy and delicious.

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“Don’t bother me. I’m eating.” ← name that old commercial slogan!

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they all look identical, but the meats are hidden under the slaw and “yum yum sauce”

Cassandra shared some of her cheese fries with us too. Ooooo, baby.

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you know it’s America when the cheese is more yellow than the Asian-Americans eating them the water bottle in the background

I knew I had to get some of this overpriced, organic ice cream from the Blue Marble stand.

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I got “The Governor” flavor, which the lady told me was a vanilla base with Grape Nuts oat clusters, caramel, and “white velvet” cake pieces. White velvet? You mean…vanilla cake?

#marketing

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it was still tasty, so I won’t hold it over her

With happy bellies, it was time to explore the island!

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peep Lady Liberty in the background

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After a few hours, we took the ferry back to Manhattan, where we parted ways. I walked back to Penn station while they went off to Brooklyn Bridge, since I wanted to make it back home in time for Mass with the fam, even though I probably reeked of sweat and city grime.

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I loved hanging out with Cassandra and Dana! Thanks, ladies, for a great time catching up and exploring the city (and for loving food as much as I do).

If you’re ever looking for a cheap but lovely and family-friendly NYC pit stop, check out Governors Island! I loved it.

After Mass, the family wanted to go to our favorite local Mexican restaurant. More tacos? Why not?

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maragarrrrrrita for the big man

I actually passed on more tacos and got the restaurant’s special salad and shared a good portion of mom’s rice (I ♥︎ Mexican rice).

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Also, can we look at the whole farm that was smashed between Ben’s cemita (sandwich on sesame seed bun)?

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in the words of Pop: “there’s like a whole flank steak on that”

Later at home, I ate half a giant peach (where’s James at??) + two warmed up oatmeal dried fruit cookies (from Christmas still!).

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And since I am so bad at going to sleep at a reasonable time, I also snacked on Wheat Thins, the world’s most underrated cracker.

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I went to sleep past 2 am.

Sunday

I “slept in” until 9:30, which isn’t sleeping in that much given the time I went to bed.

At least I did something productive the night before— prepping this overnight oatmeal smoothie inspired by Kath’s peach dough boy smoothie. I added a spoonful of peanut butter + half a large frozen banana and spinach in the morning.

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the fluffiest I’ve had in a long time!!

After doing some computer work and cleaning, I geared up for outdoor moves and grooves.

I’ve been wanting to do hill sprints for a while now, so I finally had the time and energy to do them yesterday. BUT HOLY FREAKING COW FLYING OVER THE MOON.

My lungs were not ready for the annihilation. It was also hot out!

Why would anyone want to take the path of charity, humility, chastity, and sacrifice for the sake of God's Kingdom? Because "Now, discipline always seems painful rather than pleasant at the time, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed." Hebrews 12:11-13 from Mass today. Similarly, I was thinking during this hill sprint workout: WHY THE HECK would anyone want to do hill sprints!? EVER. I don't run and I definitely don't sprint and I most certainly don't sprint up hills. Until today. I thought I was going to give up or maybe die (#dramatic), but just as in the faith, we run our way up that grueling hill over and over again, no matter how long the whole workout/faith journey takes us, and we become better for it. 5-4-3-2-1 hill sprints with this circuit between each round: 10 curb burpees 20 Russian twists each side 30 mountain climbers each leg 20 air squats 10 push-ups #faith #fituniversity @gofitu

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After one sprint, I was literally saying to myself repeatedly, “I’m dying.” But I also kept telling myself, “I can do this. I know I can.”

I thought about Allyson Felix, Usain Bolt, my track star friends from high school, and Jesus Christ for inspiration.

The workout:

5-4-3-2-1 hill sprints (approx. 125 m) with the following circuit between each set:

  • 10 curb burpees
  • 20 Russian twists each side
  • 30 mountain climbers each leg
  • 20 air squats
  • 10 pushups

It took me almost an hour to finish, because I needed to take a break and double over to breathe many times.

It sucked but it was…fun? Is that what athletes feel?

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immediate post workout snack

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late lunch sandwich: greens, Madre’s homemade pickled carrots and radishes, turkey, swiss, mustard, and sriracha + unpictured carrots and artichoke hummus

The rest of the evening involved showering, typing this blog post, and talking on the phone with Apple Support for my temperamental keyboard. The problem seems to be fixed for now though!

I’m also listening to old Hannah Montana music for kicks. I used to be obsessed.

I better go pack for Ireland and do important things before the Rio closing ceremonies comes on. Lord knows I will want to stay up for those.

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banana bread mug cake with Greek yogurt for a late night snack after dinner

Hope you guys have a sweet week! This one’s my last week of work at the rehab hospital already!

So tell me:

Are you good about getting to bed at a regular time? 

Have you ever done hill sprints? Did you die?

What is your guilty pleasure music from the past?

Three Years of Movin’ and Groovin’

Popcorn is the most underrated snack of all time.

I’ve been eating Angie’s Boom Chicka Pop (both kettle and sea salt flavors) like it’s the only food in the world these past few weeks.

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Go pop a bag for yourself or buy Angie’s (not sponsored) because we are celebrating today!!

Actually we’re celebrating something that happened last week, because I’m apparently terrible at remembering my blog anniversary.

As of August 7th, Daily Moves and Grooves is three years old and counting!

I’m not really feeling a super sentimental post (my brain is pretty fried this week), so here are a bunch of random tidbits regarding the journey of this lil ol’ blog.

Most Used Tags

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Me When I Started The Blog

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long hair, don’t care

Me Now DSC_2503

Just kidding, I do care evidently. Do I look older than 12 years old yet?

First Workout Ever Posted

2013 abs

Foods I Used To Eat All The Time But Not Recently

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classic school snack

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I miss Naturally Nutty!

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I used to have this for dessert every night

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These roasted edamame were CRACK

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Yogurt bowls, why did I ever stop?!

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peanut butter puffins — still my favorite cereal

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homemade French toast

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Amanda’s cookie dough oatmeal smoothie with Greek yogurt to dip. I’d still dig it.

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soft boiled eggs

But Some Things Don’t Change

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dried figs with Greek yogurt

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avocado toast with eggs (October 2013)

brussels

brussels sprouts (December 2013)

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oats with drippy nut butter (but I haven’t had sunflower seed butter in a long time! also haven’t used the “chalice” in a while – May 2014)

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banana baked goods with nut butter (May 2014)

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overnight oats in a jar (May 2014)

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oatmeal cookie dough cereal (January 2014)

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ice cream/soft serve (April 2014)

Regular Posts That Are No Longer Regular

I used to participate in Katie’s “Marvelous in My Monday“, but I stopped that long ago.

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I haven’t done a “What I Ate Wednesday” in quite a while, but I used to do one every single week.

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I used to have a link love post called “Fascinating Friday Links”, but then I went to college and stopped.

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But I do still “think out loud” with Amanda fairly regularly! 🙂

Thinking-Out-Loud

How My “Day in the Life” Has Changed Through Seasons (My Favorite Kinds of Posts to Read)

Day in the Life of a High School Student

Day in the Life, High School, Take Two

Vacation Day in the Life

Day in the Life of a First Semester College Freshman

Day in the Life of a Second Semester College Freshman

Day in the Life {Last Month of Freshman Year}

Day in the Life During Summer Internship and Domestic Duties

Day in the Life Vlog – Trying to Eat More

Day in the Life of a Ninja

Day in the Life of a First Semester College Sophomore

Day in the Life of a Second Semester College Sophomore

Day in the Life During Summer Job at Rehab Hospital

Cool Things This Blog Has Seen

// First and Only Prom //

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// Graduation from High School //

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// Starting College //

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// Meeting Lifelong Friends //

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brb I’m gonna go sob

// Epic Vacations //

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Colorado 2015

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Blend 2015

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spring break 2015

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Florida winter break 2014-2015

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Florida with Daliza summer 2014

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Fourth of July in Boston + Tori Kelly Concert 2015

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Portland and Seattle 2015

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Stowe, Vermont 2016

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Fiona’s summer house 2016

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best Caribbean cruise ever 2016

// An Ongoing Recovery Journey //

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// A Perpetual Faith Journey //

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Some of My Favorite Posts

I Used to Have Hips ➔ first time really opening up about my disordered eating experiences

Hey, I Love You ➔ We love you, Katie ♥︎

Reflecting on My Exercise…Again ➔ being honest with myself about my amenorrhea

How To Be a Good Friend in College ➔ so many good memories

Being Extraordinarily Ordinary ➔ my life in a nutshell

I’m Not Her ➔ I need this constant reminder

The Great NYC Food Tour {A Story} ➔ sometimes I like to be creative with my blog posts

Your Story Matters and It’s Beautiful ➔ I promise.

Now that I’ve cried about 4 times while writing this “non-sentimental” anniversary blog post, I’m gonna end it here.

This blog has led me to more people, joys, heartbreaks, and lessons than I could have ever imagined. I thank God for all those who take the time to read and support my wacky (but always honest) writings. Thank you with all my heart.

Consider yourself hugged from behind while you’re peacefully eating your breakfast.

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Here’s to more years of movin’ and groovin’!

Fasting and Feasting

He is risen!! He is risen indeed!

Happy Easter, friends! ♥︎

Phew, wow, I cannot tell you what’s going on inside of me right now, because you would have to physically shut me up (or pry my fingers from the keyboard in this case). Joy, gratitude, stress, fullness, tiredness.

Last week was a stressful week, but powering through the stress made the Holy Triduum and Easter all the sweeter.

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*Disclaimer: These next few paragraphs include content relating to fasting and restriction. Please take caution ♥︎ Those with mental disorders (including during recovery from eating disorders) are not required to fast from food.

In light of Good Friday (the day we commemorate Jesus’ death), I fasted from Thursday night until Saturday (not a full fast, just less food than usual). Obviously, it was challenging. The point of fasting in the Catholic Church is to feel hunger and weakness as our Lord did in His time of suffering for our sins, and to unite our (minor) sufferings with His.

When I fasted for the first time last year, I was in a more delicate place regarding my relationship with food. I was a lot more worrisome about making sure that I was eating enough but not more than I was supposed to. This year, fasting was 100% sacrifice mode for me. You don’t have to tell me twice to eat enough at this point in my life, so I didn’t have to worry about mixing up restriction with fasting at all.

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Although sacrifice is involved, we’re encouraged to be smart with fasting. I had a three hour class and then a campus tour on Friday, so I made sure I had just enough energy to get through those things. Fasting should not cause you to be utterly incapacitated nor make you feel super lightheaded/nauseated.

The most significant thing I noticed while fasting this year was that it was freeing to feel that hungry yet know that my hunger pangs were volitional not for restriction but for sacrifice. It empowers me to be okay with being very hungry sometimes, because I know the hunger doesn’t have to be connected to the intention of losing weight. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I was planning on doing a quasi-fast on Saturday, but I went out to lunch with my parents and family friends, and this happened:

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I couldn’t be rude and say no to their generosity and kindness….

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I also took— not one— but two naps on Saturday. They were both 20 minutes, so I don’t feel too bad.

The weather cleared up nicely by late afternoon, and I hadn’t moved and grooved in a while, so I did this workout (one of my favorites!) by the river.

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For whatever reason, I think my body produces a HECK of a lot of gas after I eat a big, fatty meal and then work out later that day. ‘Cause my GI tract was hurtin’ from after I worked out until much later that night. (It felt just like this day last summer!) The gas just stays inside of me and it feels like pins and needles are poking me from the inside out.

TMI, but welcome to the blog.

Saturday night involved the coolest Mass of the year—the Easter Vigil! Followed up by a late night Easter celebration, which commenced the FEASTING. It was also fun to wear makeup again 🙂

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I went to bed at 3 AM, haha. I got 6 hours of sleep that night, and now I’m typing this at midnight the night after. I’m so prudent with my life decisions.

Easter Sunday started with a 30 minute walk to brunch with the family + family friends!

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THIS PLACE. Dreams. Check it:

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apple donut holes for appetizer, because Easter

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cast iron skillet cornbread with honey butter *moment of silence*

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my entree: cornmeal crusted cod + mango salsa slaw sandwich on brioche

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also shared some of my mom’s “Breakfast Club” waffle sandwich (triple decker with fried chicken and fried egg + syrup for dipping)

Heart-stopping on so many levels. It was so wonderful seeing my family again too. Thank you for making the trip up here, Madre and Pop!

Then I went back to the dorm to do some homework (blah) before hanging out with friends from the Catholic Center and eating MORE.

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air saxophones

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WOMEN.

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radiant souls

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tradition ♥︎ 

It looks like it was warm outside, but it wasn’t. We sucked it up #ForThePics.

What a blessed day. I am at a loss for words except “Alleluia!”

The rest of the day involved me rushing to get in an assignment due at 5pm, mobile soup kitchen with my inspirational friends, and late dinner.

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spinach artichoke dip to share (we all burned the roofs of our mouths devouring this)

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arugula salad with golden raisins, candied walnuts, blue cheese, red onions, and Italian herb vinaigrette

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my aunt’s homemade zucchini bread with almond butter

Plus another cookie and more almond butter.

Thank you, family. Thank you, friends. Thank YOU for reading this and supporting me so lovingly. Thank you, Lord for your Death and Resurrection and Love beyond imagination.

Hope you all have a splendid Easter week!

So tell me:

Three things you did this weekend!

The best thing you ate this weekend!

Do you have any insights on fasting/feeling very hungry after having experienced an eating disorder?

Weekend Confessions

 

This weekend…

Confession #1: My best girl friends and I went out for appetizers and cocktails mocktails to celebrate Rachel’s birthday, because we’re still babieeees.IMG_1905

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Confession #2: Yo girls can EAT.

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Confession #3: I cooked some pretty darn tasty chicken and burgers at work, and I really wished I could eat more than just a nibble of them. #occupationalhazard

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Confession #4: I base my decision to get either a sandwich or salad at the food court based on the availability of cornbread. If the salad bar has cornbread, I’m getting salad for the sake of cornbread. I’ll say it one more time: cornbread.

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Confession #5: I’ve been eating more carbs and a little less protein to put my nutrition project’s results to the test. Verdict? Feelin’ great! It could be a mind game, but I feel more energetic. Because carbs give you energy, WHO KNEW!?

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Confession #6: In all honesty, this weekend was a little bit harder on the body image and recovery front than it has been in a long time. I can’t tell if it was from Thursday’s body fat composition test, or if it’s just a stress crutch. Either way, I am keepin’ on and my mind is still in a good place overall, thanks to the amazing community of people in my life (YOU included).

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Confession #7: I bought oatmeal at Au Bon Pain, even though I have oatmeal in my dorm. I went to Mass and a spontaneous breakfast date yesterday morning with Rachel before she went home for some personal business, and I felt the need to buy something to go along with the Perfect Bar (got it from a giveaway on Instagram thanks to my girl, @foodietunes!) and banana that I brought along.

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Confession #8: Whenever I match with people, I feel compelled to take a photo with them.

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leather jackets ayooo

Confession #9: I stood outside in the beautiful weather listening to a song I really liked and pretended I was in some dramatic montage.

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Confession #10: IMO, the best part of the Oscars were when Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe announced together and when BB8 came on stage.

Also, Chris Rock was funny but made me kinda uncomfortable at some points. I guess that was the point, right?

Confession #11: My friends are hawt.

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One more week until spring break!

So tell me:

One confession from your weekend!

If you watched the Oscars, which part was your favorite?

When was the last time you got dressed up and what was it for?