Competence and Confidence

pray.

WOWEEEEEEE. What a week it has been! I finished my first three days of work as a physical therapist last week, and it was a TRIP.

I’m working at approximately 50% of a full caseload since they’re easing me into it, but the combination of new setting + learning the electronic medical record + remembering everything from my last three years of education + communicating with patients as they need… all after just putzing around for nearly 6 months of quarantine season… *internally combusts*

It has been a challenge to say the least. It’s objectively not anything crazy, but subjectively, I whispered under my breath every hour on my first day of work: “I’m dying.”

It’s really f i n e. Of course there is a learning curve, so I am trying to be gentle with myself. I was (and am) stressed though, and I acknowledge that. But this phase, too, shall pass.

Needless to say, a lot of my prayer has been focusing on the grace to do the very best for my patients and to sharpen my competence for them. However, I have also been praying for the ability to truly separate my anxieties and insecurities at work from a) my identity; b) my internal peace.

Let me know if there is any way I can pray for you as well! It is consoling to offer up the stresses of the day for others.

eat.

I made these apple muffins Saturday night, and they are excellent smothered in peanut butter + a glass o’ milk. But I’m sure you knew I was going to say that ūüôā

my friend: “it looks like the golgi apparatus”

It doesn’t look pretty, but it’s tasty! I made homemade applesauce just for it (also because I bought apples in bulk and overestimated my ability to eat them all in a timely manner).

move.

I joined one of the COOLEST outdoor workout groups ever yesterday. It’s essentially a group of kettlebell lovers/beasts/experts led by Alex @kettlebellgains for a warmup, workout, and some straight up PR-hitting. I am NOT a kettlebell expert by any means, but after 6 months with just Ketllbellarmine (what I call my 35# KB) as my heaviest weight, I’ve become fond of utilizing it in different ways to build strength, endurance, balance, and coordination.

I found a few awesome people on Instagram who all went to this “Sunday Swings” session, so I asked if someone unexperienced like me could come, and they welcomed me with open arms! I felt so out of my league showing up there (after stalking some of the people who show up to this thing #musclesonmusclesonmuscles), but they were so supportive and fun, and I felt stronger and more confident than ever in that space.

Something in me knew that going to this workout group and doing my very best, despite feeling out of my league, would help with my confidence. And it did! I deadlifted a 220# KB for 4-5 reps x3, which I did not think I would be able to do. I also snatched 44# for a few reps, which was exciting.

I have NOT been feeling confident starting work as a physical therapist, and those feelings of insufficiency are affecting my performance for sure. So this KB class gave me a confidence boost that I want to bring into my professional work this week and going forward!

look at that KB!! they name it Wakanda

groove.

Today is my mom’s birthday! I cannot say enough about how incredibly generous and loving that woman is. I love you and appreciate you more than you know, Madre. ‚ô•Ôłé

MONDAY LET’S GOOOOOO!

So tell me:

How did you feel when you started working your first “real” job?

What kinds of things give you confidence?

Do you like working out with kettlebells?

What have you been cooking / baking recently?

Five Minute Friday #8: Confidence

This week was more packed than a chipmunk’s mouth before hibernation!!!

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Or my face before hibernation.

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This week…

Lots of time with our noses in the books:

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I got to see my cousin¬†for a hot minute! She was visiting from Canada to check out some colleges in Boston (not Boston University though…*sadness*).

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Fab breakfast and deep conversation with my friend, Lauren:

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An exceptionally delicious wrap with roast beef, pepper jack, roasted vegetables, corn salsa, lettuce, tomato, and honey mustard:

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Dinner with my dear friend Mai and her boyfriend (arguably the cutest couple I’ve ever known):

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Fish tacos that were messy yet delightful:

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there’s fish under there

A free Cyc Fitness class (aka my first spin class ever), compliments of Fit University founder, Sarah Gaines!

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Sarah just became a “Cycologist” (certified spin instructor at Cyc), so she kindly invited me and my friend Cassandra to her first tribe ride!

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didn’t know what we were getting into

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taken aback by the special shoes

Like I said, I had never been to a spin class before, so I didn’t know what to expect…

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…but, uh, Sarah kicked my ass. When that beat dropped and she went double time on the pedaling for two sets of 32 counts‚ÄĒHAHA. How. My quads are totally not adapted to moving that quickly for that length of time. Also,¬†pretty sure I was sweating taco/I could still smell fish taco on my hands.

But the music, lights, and overall atmosphere were amazing, and I left feeling spent and sweaty as ever.

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Thank you so much, Sarah!! You absolutely killed it, and I would definitely come back to #getcyced with you again.

St. Patrick’s Day was fun and festive with our (my friend Kristy and me) first Shamrock Shake ever!

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I love mint. That thing was straight. up. SUGAR. I¬†enjoyed it, but¬†I honestly could not consume more than a quarter of it. ‘Twas a good experience though.

I had a large hunk of cornbread with turkey chili in the dining hall last night. Random, but good news.

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Not so good news: I have three exams next week.

Good news: Five Minute Friday is here again! I’m talking about confidence, inspired by my breakfast convo with Lauren. Specifically, I’d like to know how you guys feel about being “useful” to others and how you feel about compliments.

link to video!

Great news: This Sunday is Palm Sunday and next week is Holy Week!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend ‚ô•Ôłé

So tell me:

Do you find that you need to be “useful” to others in order to be worthy of their time?

How do you handle compliments?

Have you ever tried a spinning class? Do you like spinning?

Have you ever tried a Shamrock Shake? 

Friends Pushing Me to Be Better

I just ate a dinner of popcorn, Chex Mix, celery, chocolate cake, an apple, “gorilla dip”, and a singular chicken wing.

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#nutrition

Also, the only thing I watched from the Super Bowl last night was the halftime show and the Honda commercial with the singing sheep, and that was everything I needed.

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I love Coldplay, Beyonce, and Bruno Mars, but did anyone else feel like the halftime performance as a whole was a weird combo?

Anyway, I have nothing more to say about the Super Bowl, so let’s talk about how¬†my wonderful friends have been kicking my butt in the best way possible.

Rewind to Friday: I had biomechanics in the morning, a good lunch with friends, bible study, a workout, homework, and productive procrastination (working on a birthday gift for someone!).

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Two of my dear friends, Mai and Kelsey, are in my bible study, and listening to their perspectives and insights on Scripture and faith in general was so inspiring. Most of all, their willingness to share their own doubts and trials humbles me to face my own doubts and trials.

Saturday started off with a walk through winter wonderland to get to work (unintentional alliteration).

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I tried to pack more substantial snacks so that I wouldn’t be so lightheaded and cranky like I was last week at work, but I guess all the walking, cooking, and cleaning I do¬†(and the fact that I end at 2pm) just does me in. Needless to say, lunch was again demolished.

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While I was studying, my pal¬†Connor came up to chat with me for a bit, and he gave me nuggets of wisdom to deal with my academic stress. His words¬†were simple and things¬†I knew logically, but I still needed someone to tell them to me in order to internalize it. 1) Happiness is important. 2) Don’t stress out because other people have more knowledge than you. Do what you need to do, but there’s no good in comparing and worrying.

Good stuff.

Saturday night involved a workout, some studying, and Tasty Burger (!!!) with the best friend.

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A cheeseburger from this joint was on our food bucket list, and Saturday night was the night to crush it.

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We liked their milkshakes as much as we liked their burgers! The shakes were uber thick and creamy. Like, you had to work those cheek muscles to drink it through the straw.

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love at first bite

Rachel and I talked about our Lent resolutions since it starts this Wednesday, and one of my things to “give up” is makeup. I don’t wear a lot, but I do wear a little every day. I told Rachel with hesitance that I would give up makeup, but the next day I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. She insisted that giving up makeup would be good for me, and that I shouldn’t cave just because it’s hard (it’s definitely not supposed to be easy!). I agree. Wearing no makeup will help me focus on my character¬†and fight¬†vanity.

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My roommate Jordan also gave me a great slice of humble pie when I told her that I’m not always early (and sometimes a little late)¬†to things, especially if I’m meeting with a close friend. She told me that everyone, close friends or professional mentors, should have their time respected. Duh, common sense, right? But it’s easier said than done for me these days (punctuality is slacking). Jordan is 100% right though.¬†I should never take advantage of my friends’ time just because I’m close to them.

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Lastly, my amazing friend Christina invited me to do mobile soup kitchen with her last night. I joined her and some other kind volunteers, but I knew that I wanted to make it back in time for the Super Bowl halftime show. Towards the end of the route, I started to get impatient and antsy to make it back to campus, but just watching how patient, considerate, and kind Christina was with all the people we met was a humbling and beautiful sight. A lesson in selflessness right in front of me.

I am constantly in awe of my friends and the beauty of their souls. God is definitely shaping me up through their example and words.¬†And of course,¬†so many¬†bloggers push me to be better too. Thanks, guys ‚ô•Ôłé

Hope you all have a happy week! We’re kind of hoping that BU calls in for a snow day today…

So tell me:

Do your friends keep you “on track”?

What is one lesson you learned/were reminded of this weekend?

Thoughts on the Super Bowl/halftime show?

Best thing you did this weekend. Probably Tasty Burger with Rachel!

Owning It

Three pieces of “news” for you:

1) I finished a Costco-sized jar of peanut butter [almost] all by myself in less than a month.

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finished it off with some [cooled] microwave oats

2) I’m currently eating with chopsticks in the dining hall because¬†Asians are not really a minority at BU, and this dining hall has responded to that.

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3) THIS Buzzfeed post about socially awkward introverts hits home like no other.

Do you think trying and crying rhyme because of me?

Now, if you know me in person, you might not immediately call me an introvert. I love talking to people and I even enjoy public speaking. That being said, it takes a great deal of energy for me to be social, and I’m usually quite content eating a meal by myself. (Not just because I was temporarily mortified¬†after¬†last year’s salad explosion.)

In addition to liking my “me time,”¬†my introverted-ness is evident in my straight up AWKWARDNESS around people.

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Sometimes, making good eye contact while talking with someone one-on-one is harder than looking into the sun.

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When I contribute to a group conversation, I often doubt myself and make my voice progressively quieter and more high-pitched. And then I laugh like a teenage witch.

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Sometimes I’m tempted to give up on saying hi to people in large groups.

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Keeping up with conversation without falling into boring small talk can result in me making many sentences and gestures that make no sense at all.

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But I’ve realized a few things:

a) If I let the awkward things come and go¬†and pretend that I don’t feel my soul isn’t shriveling into itself, the awkwardness usually subsides more quickly.

b) The only way people can laugh WITH you is if you laugh at yourself.

c) Confidence really is the best thing you can wear.

d) Nobody cares that much about what I do or say. No one judges me harder than I judge myself.

e)¬†I’m not alone in all this.

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So that time I nearly smash my butt slipping down the stairs behind a girl I don’t know…

…or that time I didn’t know what to say at the end of a group prayer except, “and… thank you.”…

…or those multiple times when my brain and mouth do not collaborate properly, and. I. just. talklikethisbecausemywords.don’t.work…

I’m just gonna own it.¬†


In other news, I’m going to the gynecologist again early this morning. I think we’ll be going over test results from last week and possibly doing some other tests. Thank you all again for your support and prayers!

And here are some eats from this week. I’ve been more a three square meals kinda gal lately with class scheduling and such. Therefore, each meal is pretty¬†epic.
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oatmeal with honey, cinnamon, banana, and peanut butter + eggs and turkey bacon

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salad with feta and honey mustard dressing + chicken and rice

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salad with tuna and couscous + chicken and sweet potatoes

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fish cake with corn + salad + turkey burger with feta

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vegan pumpkin bread a la mode

Yo gurl can EAT.

Hope you all have a fabulous Friday and a great weekend ahead!

So tell me:

Any awkward antics?

Any recent embarrassing stories you’re willing to share?

What is the best thing you ate this week?  Definitely the pumpkin bread a la mode for me!

The Truth Is…

How’s that for a dramatic title!?

I’m not revealing anything new to y’all, but I did want to update you on how my body’s been doing since I decided to cut down the exercise and bump up the eating¬†about three months ago.

First things first: I have not gotten my period back, and in fact, I haven’t really had any signs of it at all (besides a little bit of acne?). Yeah, I’m getting a little pretty darn¬†frustrated, but I’m doing my best to stick with it and be patient.

The truth is…¬†Even though I’ve decreased exercise¬†significantly¬†(mostly yoga, walking, stretching, and some bodyweight strength exercises), I think my body has still been stressed in other ways besides exercise: lack of sleep, lots of traveling, moving back into college, anxious feelings more often than I’d like. I also don’t really feel out of shape, which I guess is¬†good, but it’s also indicative of how hard my heart is still working just doing daily activities.

I’ve gained almost 10 lbs. (mostly fat, some muscle)¬†in the past three months, and I feel more energetic. (I had to go on a shopping spree for a whole new set of jeans!)

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The truth is…¬†I am very comfortable with my body, even as it continues to grow outwards and not upwards.¬†But that doesn’t mean I haven’t looked in the mirror or at photos and thought,¬†“Whoa, hello,¬†childbearing hips.”¬†Or I’ll put my hand on my waist and think,¬†“Hm. Much squishier than before.”

Coming back to college has been mentally and physically tough.¬†I’m still eating a lot, but I’m also walking ten times more than I usually do at home. I’m sure I’ve already lost a little weight just in the past week. Also, I feel like maybe I can go to the gym, just for a light workout.¬†I honestly believe that I look and feel healthy and that I can enjoy working out without worrying about body image.

But the truth is…¬†I put so much stress on my body during my eating disorder, and even during recovery. My endocrine and reproductive system are not happy with me. I might be 99.99999% mentally recovered, but my body obviously isn’t.¬†My body has been damaged, and it needs time and energy to be fixed.

Despite my lack of a period after these three months, there is still so much I have gained (besides physical weight).

The truth is…

  • I know how much rest and fuel it takes to build muscle. I’m working out¬†less than half the amount I used to be working out, but I actually gained muscle the first couple of weeks just from giving my body proper rest and lots of food.
  • I’ve learned the value of warming up and going back to basics. What used to be my warm-up is now my workout for the day, but I’ve found that my body needs to warm up for even that.
  • I’ve gained back some more mobility and flexibility because I don’t write off yoga and stretching as “nothing.”

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  • I am more efficient with my time of day. I used to be so concerned about moving and exercising whenever I could¬†that it would distract from my other daily activities.
  • Most importantly, I’ve gained confidence in myself…

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…If I’m not considered that “fit person”, fine. If I don’t have abs, fine. If I can’t do 20 pushups in a row, fine.

If I put all my self-worth¬†into my fitness, that’s NOT fine.¬†I’m more than my body. It’s about time I started living like I truly, deeply believe that.

I’ll be the first to admit that dance class (and a one-time game of ultimate frisbee with friends last night) may or may not be too hard on me right now. I’ve been letting those things slide because my brain needs the movement as much as my body does after sitting and studying.

I’m going to the gynecologist today because I’m not 100% sure what’s happening in my body right now. Maybe I just need more time. I’m still planning on gaining weight here in college, and once I get into a school rhythm, things may normalize a little more. Or maybe I’ll need to cut out dance class. We’ll see.

I’ll post another update sometime later, but thanks for listening and being so supportive of me on this journey.