Remember when I posted about 99.9% recovery?
I posted it in the summer of 2015, examining the question: “Is full recovery [from an eating disorder or any disordered eating] even possible?”
My answer at the time was:
More often than not, I don’t care about calories, I eat what I want, and I can skip a workout without any problem. However, there are days when eating more or skipping workouts doesn’t come easily or without thought.
Maybe you can reach 100% recovery, or maybe you have! I am so genuinely happy for those who do. This post is just my two cents based on my experiences, and I have concluded that I might be at 99.9% for a while.
I believe that I was in a healthy place last year, mentally and physically, and I don’t think that there have been groundbreaking changes in my mindset since then. Yet somehow I feel that I’ve tasted that last .01% of recovery.
I say “tasted” because our mental state is transient— it is constantly shifting and wavering depending on our environment, experiences, and seasons of life. Maybe there’s something about being home that triggers more inner demons. Maybe there’s something about being abroad that has forced all those demons away.
God has granted me the incredible opportunity to study abroad this semester, and these past 3.5 months on a different continent has helped me develop as a person in many ways, including my mental health. Being in a completely different country with an unfamiliar culture and new people has forced me to adapt in every way—intellectually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I don’t have my familiar surroundings to fall back upon when I’m stressed or bored or whatever, which can be either disastrous or fruitful. I’m grateful to say that it has been the latter this semester.
The main things I have noticed in this last .01% recovery are that:
1) I don’t remember everything I’ve eaten in the past week, and I don’t feel the need to share it all with everyone on the blog.
I’m definitely NOT saying that people who share what they eat at every meal are in a bad place (hello, I’ve been doing it for the past three years on this blog), but for ME, there was always safety in knowing pretty much everything I ate in a week as a subconscious “balance” check.
Showing you these dates with peanut butter, because a lot of you recommended it. 10/10. 🙂
Now it’s more of a day-by-day, or even a meal-by-meal, evaluation. It’s a little more present and future-focused than past-focused.
Past-focused: “What did I eat earlier today/this week? What should I eat now, since I ate that before?”
Present-focused: “What will satisfy me right now?”
Future-focused: “What do I need to make me feel better later?”
In other words, there is little to no room for regret or compensation these days.
2) I’m not afraid of meals that make me think of “something I would eat in my disordered eating days.”
This one sounds strange, but I used to be slightly afraid of eating a meal that was very light or extra “healthy” during recovery, because that would make me think that I’m heading backwards. I feared that I might fall into the mindset of cutting calories again.
But I know that I have zero desire to cut calories consciously or to restrict myself. Zero. Therefore, I can trust myself to eat a small box of salad or a small breakfast and know that I’m not trying to restrict or compensate. When my body is ready, I will naturally eat more later. Does this make sense?
3) I’m not afraid to be lazy.
THIS ONE. This one was hard for the longest time. Detaching myself from calories and food restriction was the easy part, but detaching myself from a mindset of constant activity and fitness has been the most difficult part of recovery.
Move, groove, walk everywhere, yoga, don’t take the bus, have a constant desire to be active.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love moving and grooving, walking, etc. a lot! But listen, at the end of the long day, I just don’t want to walk 1.5 hours home, even if I have the time. Sometimes I don’t want to get off three stops early just to get in more steps. Sometimes I don’t want to take an active 5 minute break every 25 minutes while I’m working at my desk.
In other words, I trust myself to be lazy. I’m not going to spiral into a pit of sedentariness forever and ever if I’m lazy every now and then. It is indeed possible to enjoy sitting on your butt and to also love fitness, and I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I truly do exercise in ways that are enjoyable to me.
To answer the original question: Full recovery is possible. I think initial recovery can and should be pursued vigorously, but 100% recovery (in my eyes at least) is mostly reintroduced to us over time. 100% recovery finds YOU, but you have to be willing to be uncomfortable, whatever that entails for you. Over and over again.
- sitting for very long periods of time without exercising beforehand
- sitting for very long periods of time after eating a lot
- eating salads that have more dressing than I would have wanted
- going a whole day without a whole grain
Those are just some examples of discomfort for me. Does this mean I force myself to feel this discomfort every day? No, not at this stage (earlier in recovery, I did). But these discomforts must be welcomed and embraced, and honestly, just passed over with as little thought as possible, which you can only accomplish if you allow them to happen a few times. Only then might you find that they aren’t as uncomfortable anymore.
I have come to the conclusion that 100% recovery does not mean that we don’t care about my body image at all or that we disregard calories completely. It doesn’t mean we act oblivious to all those things, because that’s impossible. Instead, I think 100% recovery means that we have an abiding sense of peace in ourselves that cannot be budged by external factors (missed workout, more sweets than usual, someone else working out when you can’t, etc.) NOR internal factors (feeling tired, feeling extra hungry, etc.).
be more like St. Francis
As always, I must remind you that I am not a professional by any means. I share all this from my own experience only. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please find help from a registered dietitian (you can reach out to RD bloggers like Robyn or Kylie even!).
So tell me:
Have you learned anything more about what does good for your mental health recently?
12 thoughts on “The Last .01% of Recovery”
Alison this brought tears to my eyes, this is incredible. YOU are incredible. And honestly, this is a bit of a reality check.. now I am starting to think of all of the subconscious things I do as a result of my past struggles. Thank you for being you, and never change<3
Ugh you ROCK. I love you ♥︎
SO SO happy to read how well you are doing and how much you have grown and learned whilst away!
It’s funny though…my last segment of recovery came while living abroad too. For me it was being thrown together with new people who were totally healthy, normal young people around food. My previous housemates etc. had been ones I known during my ED and looking back I never really disassociated my ED self from them which made it hard to fully recover whilst living with them. (It’s still the same 6 years later, I have this awful ED memories associated with those people). However, the amazing people I spent my year abroad, I’ll be forever indebted to. They unknowingly taught me how to eat again, how to let that final vestige of control go. I brought that new (or old I guess) way back with me, so hopefully you do too. 🙂
Thank you so much, Jessica! I do hope to bring back this extra bit of freedom with me 🙂
This is such a timely post for me! I have been thinking these past few days about how much working out and active stuff I did during the summer (which I loved) but now I’m barely working out 1-2 times a week. So this post has been lovely to read and very encouraging! Hope the rest of your semester is fab 😊
Glad to hear it, Victoria! Thank you for your kind words!
This is amazing, Allison.
I’m a) incredibly happy for your realization into your own recovery and b) so grateful that you’ve shared this insight. I recently made a relatively large step in my recovery process (will share more on my blog tomorrow) and it is seriously inspiring to hear these words. ❤️ You are #goalz!
P.S. pls bring me back some of that carrot cake 😍
Agh you are awesome, Kaylee! And you know I would smuggle back allllll the carrot cake if I could 😉
I LOVED this post, Allison! I think it totally makes sense to feel those feelings and I’ve definitely strugged with the “letting myself be lazy” thing in the past. I’m getting better at it though!
Thank you so much, Liz! We are all on the perpetual journey, I say 🙂
yes i love this and am so proud of you! not being afraid to be lazy was HUGE for me. and not remembering everything i ate. so so freeing!
Thank you, Lyss! ♥︎