I’ve said it many times before on the blog, but I’ll say it again: honesty is the best policy.

I am blessed to be able to say that it is 100% true that I have recovered tremendously from my eating disorder. Despite my recovery, I would be lying if I said that I am never tempted by disordered thoughts. Some days, the temptation to fall into disordered behaviors is stronger than others.

Especially during this time of year when everyone is getting ready to show more skin in the hotter months, I find myself turning inwards and focusing too much on my diet and exercise. Today I want to share that I do struggle with little “demons” that tell me to act against what I know is good for my body. Recovery does not mean immunization from old habits. However, recovery does mean that you are in a healthy mindset, you’re doing your best and recognizing where you can continue to grow.

• One day when there was no more skim milk in the dining hall, I consciously chose not to get 2% and got soy milk instead. I ended up kicking myself for it because a) my choice was driven by thoughts of fat and calories; b) soy milk doesn’t wash down peanut butter as well as cow’s milk.

• Sometimes I get a little anxious and slightly crabby if I don’t work out when I’d like to.
• 99% of the time, I love having a salad with my meal, but sometimes I will add a salad to my meal, even if I don’t want it and I know I’ve had plenty of vegetables during the day. Just because I “should” have a salad.

I do love my salads, but sometimes it’s just too. much. fiber.

• Sometimes I still think about timing my meals.
• Sometimes I look in the mirror and compare myself to other girls.
• Sometimes I’m still afraid of eating too many carbs.

but then you bite into a meal like this and feel VERY thankful for carbs

• Sometimes I waste my time thinking about what will be the “most effective” workout, instead of just moving and grooving depending on how I feel.
• Sometimes I feel the need to “clean up my eats for a while” after indulging (it never happens, but the temptation is still there).

Indeed, these things go on in my brain occasionally. They are usually without effect, but sometimes they do affect my actions and self-image. The point is that, even in recovery, these thoughts exist, and that‘s okay. Just as with any temptation in our lives, we sometimes fall, but the temptations do not need to dictate our actions. Know that you are able to transcend those temptations, no matter how long they seem to stick with you.

Phew. Sorry for the heavier post on a Monday. I was feeling a heart-to-heart today. Nevertheless, I hope you all have a joyful day! You are my rays of sunshine on a cloudy day like today!

So tell me:

If you have a past with disordered eating habits, do you sometimes find yourself tempted to fall into old habits?