I Am My Own Worst Enemy

I’m not going to sugar coat anything here. Last night was my worst night of insomnia ever. After getting a less than stellar night’s sleep on Sunday night, I was wiped out for the rest of the day. Thank God there was a two hour delay yesterday, because otherwise, I would have been an absolute zombie.

Last night, I tried winding down by 8:30 and I was in bed by 9:00, absolutely exhausted. Knowing that the murmur of TV usually helps me fall asleep, I took the iPad into my room to listen to Guy Fieri on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. After two episodes, I was still up and frustrated as heck. I went downstairs in tears (crying has been a nightly norm for me this past week) and tried confiding in my poor mother, who could do nothing but say she wishes she could take my place. I appreciate you, mom. Another hour or so went by, and by then, my head and stomach were in pain because I was just. so. tired. I wept and felt extremely helpless, because I knew that the root of my problem was ME. My brain. My anxiety. And no one, not even I, can help that. In the spur of frustration, I let my mind fall into dark thoughts. When my dad came home from work at around midnight, he just held my hands and we prayed together. That was really the only thing anyone could do at that point. I didn’t end up falling asleep until around 12:30 probably. Three hours to fall asleep. 

God promises that He will not let us suffer through anything that we do not have the strength to fight through. I must say, He’s pushing me farther than ever! Thankfully, today is a snow day, so I hope to find some sleep. If we didn’t have the snow day, I told my parents I wouldn’t go to school anyway. “It’s just too much,” I told my mom.

I’ve tried so many things to get me to relax and take my mind off of whatever it is I’m gripping onto so tightly:

  • sleep tea
  • reading
  • television (sometimes works)
  • hot shower
  • soothing fragrances

Yes, these things are definitely relaxing, but with a brain as stubborn as mine, the relaxation doesn’t always last.

I tell people that my insomnia is 100% psychological, because it is. My personality is naturally stubborn and often anxious about little things. I’ll start falling asleep, but then I’ll wake myself up again, and this will continue as a vicious cycle. Perhaps it’s because I know I didn’t have a good night’s rest the night before, so I set myself up to think I won’t be able to sleep again. I know that stress triggers my insomnia as well. If I know I have important things to do during the week, or even if I just want to be energetic for the next day, I put pressure upon myself to get a good night’s rest, which makes me nervous. The thing is, once I start thinking this way, it’s hard for me to let it go. The more I try to let it go, the more I think about it.

I was never someone who struggled with sleep when I was younger. I could fall asleep at a loud party in 2 minutes if I was tired. I could sleep through my brother jumping on my bed. Obviously, things have changed, and I think the only way to truly fix it is to work through it and carry my cross. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with, and maybe it’s God’s will for me to suffer through this and learn from it and grow closer to Him, because the only thing I can do sometimes is pray. Pray hard. And offer up my suffering for others who are suffering more than me.

I’m sorry this is such a “woe is me” post, but I just wanted to be completely honest about how I’m feeling about this. The wonderful thing about blogging is that I can just throw my thoughts out there, which is quite therapeutic.

Here is today’s Operation: Fight Insomnia

DSC_7042

A nice, warm breakfast and finally reading Catching Fire

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Trying this out

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Thanks for listening to me 🙂 I hope you have a lovely day!

 

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13 thoughts on “I Am My Own Worst Enemy

  1. I think that I want to see you over the holidays so I can give you a big Auntie Gina hug. ❤
    I'm sorry this is happening to you at such a young age. One thing that I have found with the trials that I have been through is that eventually I have been able to use my experience to help someone else going through the same problem. Even if it just to offer an understanding heart and a listening ear there will be an opportunity to use this to benefit another and reassure you that God does indeed have a plan. We are but a pixel in a pixel of His big picture but we are all integral parts.
    I sure hope you're getting some sleep today on your snow day.

  2. I am so sorry you’ve been dealing with insomnia–that is never fun. I used to struggle with it when I was in the midst of my orthorexia; I had a great deal of trouble falling asleep, partly due to my unhealthy state of mind and body, and partly because my personality (like yours) means that I tend to have anxiety and stress about even the smallest of things. Once I started gaining back some of the weight I’d lost and working on being less of a perfectionist, my sleeping habits got much better. Now I rarely have trouble falling asleep at night, unless I am particularly anxious about an upcoming exam or performance, or if I am sleeping in a strange environment. I know that melatonin has worked wonders for some people I know, and I hope it helps you as well! I love the positive and mature attitude you have toward your recent struggles, and I am praying that you will sort everything out eventually. I wish you the best of luck!!

  3. I’m praying for you girl!!! I’m sure that God is working on you and you will be better off for these struggles. Insomnia is one of the most torchurous things but your fierce resolve and attitude will carry you through! Hoping that melatonin works for ya and praying that you get some peaceful sleep! 💗

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